Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Last night/early this morning, when I was trying to get to sleep so that I would have a chance of being awake at 11 for an inspection of a prospective new home, my brain decided to write a poem. Stupid brain. And then it managed to finish it, so of course I had to get up and write it down so I wouldn't forget it:

When it's missing
You begin
To lose your hold on it

You can't keep it
Touch it
Experience it

It's missing
And you are no longer sure
What it is

You forget
What it was like
When you had it

So it loses its substance
And becomes

It's missing
Until you chance across it

And you find
That it isn't
At all
What you were looking for

Diminished, somehow

And you wonder
Was it better
When it was missing?

But, with a sigh, you realise:
When it was gone
You made it a part of you

and that part
is still

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Being Irrational

Today I cried.
I don't know why. Maybe it's something to do with a bad diet, or sleeping patterns, or whatever.
Don't they teach you that you cry when you are sad? And then they have to explain that sometimes people cry when they're happy. Or angry.
But there's supposed to be a reason.
Perhaps I'm lonely. It makes sense, but if so, I'm not even admitting it to myself. As far as I know, I'm fine with being on my own for extended periods of time.
Perhaps I feel unfulfilled. I wonder if this is what life is, whether there is anything anywhere that clicks, that feels right, that feels like anything.
If there is one thing that I can think of that I want to do for the rest of my life, it is to feel something. Not to do what's right, or what makes sense, to do what makes me feel like life is worth it.
This is far from a suicide note. I believe that death removes the possibility of ever feeling anything. With life there's hope of something better - I just wish I could find it.

Songs for the irrationally tearful and emotional:
Feel - Robbie Williams
Children Will Listen - from Into the Woods
Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again - from Phantom of the Opera
I Don't Believe in Heroes Anymore - from Three Guys Naked From The Waist Down
Here Without You - 3 Doors Down
A Modern Myth - 30 Seconds To Mars
Peace Love and Understanding - A Perfect Circle
Another Day - Air